How to Have a Good Relationship with Your Adult Children
Parents go through many changes from the first time they hold their newborn to when they move on to live their own lives. Few things present the unique challenge of being an empty nester and building a relationship with your grown up children. Feeling strong emotions is okay, but you must look forward, not back.
This guide provides tips on navigating a solid relationship with your adult children and discovering your identity in this new phase of life.
Parenting Adult Children
What Mistakes Can You Make in Your Relationships With Adult Children?
The number one mistake parents can make when their kids leave home is to put their emotional baggage on them. Saying things like, "I don't know what I'll do without you" makes them responsible for your feelings.
Also, understand that your adult children's choices are theirs and not yours. You should be a friend and a trusted confidant they can come to when they need someone. Unsolicited advice may be unwelcome and overwhelming.
What Are Tips for Having Strong Relationships With Your Adult Children?
Share experiences that relate to what is going on in their lives. For instance, if they have a new baby, you can talk about things they did at that stage in their lives.
If you want to offer advice, approach it the way you might with a friend. "I had a thought. Would you like to hear it? Feel free to say no." They will likely want to listen to you if you give them that option. They may want to approach a situation differently than you would, so you have to give them the freedom to try things out on their own and be a pair of listening ears when they need it.
Be an active listener. That means focusing on what they are saying instead of other things. Ask questions about what they tell you, and ensure they understand you care about what they say.
How Can You Set Boundaries With Your Adult Children?
As much as you love your child and want to be around to save the day, sometimes the best thing you can do for them is set boundaries and let them learn from their own mistakes. You should never put yourself in financial or emotional jeopardy by shouldering your child’s needs.
For example, a boundary you may need to enforce is with a child who won't leave the nest. Make sure you are not facilitating that scenario. You could charge them rent and insist they contribute to chores and laundry.
Your Adult Children’s Boundaries
Once they are out of the home and living their own lives, you may find your children are the ones who set the boundaries. You have to honor and respect them like any friend would. Let them know you want to abide by whatever boundaries they need and that you think they are doing great on their own.
If you’re dealing with an adult child who has cut off communication, it is a balance between respecting their space and letting them know you’re still there. Instead of delving into why you haven’t spoken or details of your falling out, you can continue to send them messages on their birthdays and holidays and relay that you are eager to connect again when they are ready.
What Are Some Conversation Starters for Adult Children?
The best conversation starters allow you and maybe your family a chance to learn something about each other. For example, at a family dinner, you might have everyone talk about what a typical day in their life is like. It’s a great way for everyone to learn about what your adult family’s lives are like.
Ask questions about what is going on in their lives, too. If your child is in college, ask their favorite class and why. If they are working, ask them to tell you in more detail about their job. Remember to ask follow up questions about their friends, careers, pets, and events happening in their lives.
Asking your adult children for advice can also show them that you value their opinion and care about having an adult relationship with them.
Your Identity as a Parent of Adult Children: Empty Nest Syndrome
What Does It Mean to be an Empty Nester?
That's an excellent question because it is a term that can mean different things to different people. In a nutshell, an empty nester is someone who had kids in their home and now they don't.
People often associate empty nest syndrome with the last kid attending college. It can extend to kids after college, too, however, because children tend to boomerang. In other words, they leave, come back, and then leave again. That is a scenario that can repeat itself over and over.
For instance, when a child goes to college, they may return after graduation and need time to start their career. They may need a roof over their head while they study for exams like the LSAT or MCAT.
Life is unpredictable, and things happen that may pull families back together under one roof, too. The pandemic is an excellent example. Adult children moved in with their parents to have everyone in one place.
How Do You Manage Empty Nest Syndrome?
Empty nest syndrome is a natural process similar to aging. People handle it in different ways.
A good place to start is by giving yourself permission to feel your emotions. A certain grief can come with this lifestyle change. Your heart and mind are always on the kids, but now you must think about yourself.
A better question might be, what should you not do? Don't wallow in it. You need to feel what you feel and move forward to get through it. It won't happen overnight. Done properly, it should take some time – three to six months – to let your grief subside. You'll come out of it gradually and start to be excited about the freedoms you now have that didn't exist before!
How Do You Find Positivity and Joy in Having An Empty Nest?
Don't pressure yourself to get through the transition quickly. You've enjoyed being a parent and watching your kids grow. It’s been a major part of your identity for many years. When children become adults, it’s letting go of a certain stage of your life, which is extremely difficult! Take the time to make your own journey through it. Remember that you were a woman before you were a mother (or a man before you were a father) and have more to your identity than simply being a parent.
You should find the things that help you move through the transition. It could be working on a home project you have been putting off, scheduling more time with friends, journaling through your emotions, or meditating. For some having a more difficult time, it may involve counseling. You have to find that positivity and joy in your way!
What Are the Joys and Challenges of Having An Empty Nest?
An obvious challenge for many is loneliness. It may feel a little too quiet in the house. However, over time, you might find that becomes something you love about your new life. Cleaning the house and keeping it clean is probably easier now, too!
You are also free to do the things you couldn't do before, like travel or try out new hobbies. Figure out what is good about the change and build on it. Look at the challenges and see how you can overcome them.
More Guides for Those 50+
Find more lifestyle advice at Mighty Health, the all-in-one platform for healthy living over 50! Download the app today to get matched with your very own health coach! You’ll have access to hundreds of low impact workouts, lessons, recipes, live events, and much more!
